Because I Didn't Say
by starkidtw
Summary: Because I didn't say a word. GC.


Title: Because I Didn't Say 1/1

Author: Carol

Rating: PG, it's angst, and it's GC, but no happy ending for GC, you got the warning.

Spoilers: Nope, but if you want to know, I wrote this after I watched the season 4's finale.

Summary: Because I didn't say a word.

Disclaimer: Show, not mine, characters, not me, they all belong to CBS. And the song I used is Sarah McLachlan's "I Love You", it's not mine, either.

Distribution: The Graveyard Shift and my site and here.

Feedback: Always welcome. :)

A/N: I know it took me so long for this one and I apologize ;) First, thanks Jess and Angie for their wonderful betaing, Angie, thank you for the e-mail talking, you're like the "long lost twin" to me, I love you! Thanks Nikita, Amanda, Selena, Ru and David for their encouragement and your supports for GC and the MSN talking, you're the best! :) Thanks the Gutter girls in MargForum, you girls rock! :D And finally thank you all in this group, GC Forever!

* * *

I always love the moments when evenings come, the sky is speckled with blue, yellow and purple everywhere. It has been more than twenty years since I have lived in this sin city, but the scene, the beautiful colors, still amaze me so every time I see them.

_I have a smile_

_Stretched from ear to ear_

_To see you walking down the road_

And another reason that I love evenings is because it means it's the puzzle time for me. I get to go to the lab, catch the bad guys and make the world a better place.

But I do know it better, the most reason that I love to go in the lab, starting the evenings to work because I know he will be here.

_We meet at the lights_

_I stare for a while_

_The world around us disappears_

When I walk down to the lab, I just can't rub off the smile on my face. And I know what I smile for, or I would say, who I smile for. He is the only one who can make me smile in this way.

I enter his office, he's not there yet, and neither are the kids. So I move to the sofa which one I always enjoy sitting at when I wait for him, alone with my thoughts. The sofa is suitable for me, it's like it is made for me, I feel my smile spread again for the thought.

The steps bring me back to reality, and I can't help but grin when he walks to me with his usual boyish smile, saying with the soft voice that only he has.

"Good evening, Catherine."

"Good evening, Gil."

_Just you and me_

_On my island of hopes_

_A breath between us could miles_

His voice, the sound of his calling my name, always sends shivers down my body. And his smile, the boyish-and-also-sexy smile, God, how can I not love this man? I have been in love with him since the day we met, it's still like a dream to me, the one that I'll never forget.

_Let me surround you_

_A sea to your shore_

_Let me be the calm you seek_

Here he is, my mentor, my strength, my best friend, the only man I can really love, Gil Grissom, standing in front of me, wearing the black leather, the one that always makes him look sexy. Well, I tell him he's sexy in leather many times, but he takes it as flirtation. Being honest, Gil is always sexy to me, in leather or not.

_Oh when every time I close to you_

_There's too much I can say_

_And you just walk away_

When I have fantasized enough about Gil and am ready to tease him again, a voice calling, and I can see the smile lighting up on his face. He turns around to her, and I feel the jealous fire burn inside of me and the shine of my happy mood is fading away.

_And I forgot_

_To tell you_

_I love you_

Love is not about comparison but about choice.

It's the lyric from a silly love song that I heard when I was young. And I always thought it's wrong and didn't believe it. But I do now. After feeling the lost in this moment, I know exactly what it means and how true it is now. It's so true that hurts.

_And the night's too long_

_And cold here_

_Without you_

There's nothing I can do but try to smile, fighting the tears warm in eyes when he and Sara talk and laugh together. How can I be so selfish? I should be happy for Gil, he just found the woman who makes him happy and smile, and he deserves this happiness after so many things happened in his life, so does Sara.

I am happy for Gil, him and Sara, they do make a cute and sweet couple. I should be happy for them, for him, but I just wish I were the one who can make Gil so happy. I wish I were the one.

I grieve in my condition

For I cannot find a word to say I need you so

Eighteen years.

After eighteen years I am still not enough brave to tell him. But Sara did, she told Gil what she wanted, and he gave her the answer, the one I have longed for these years.

_Oh when every time I close to you_

_There's too much I can say_

_And you just walk away_

I told Gil once that how I live my life, "Never doubt, never look back, that's how I live my life," and I remember how he smile at me and say, "And I admire it," But there's one thing I didn't tell Gil, that I do doubt and I do look back and there's a biggest regret in my life. And I know I will carry it in the rest of my life.

_And I forgot_

_To tell you_

_I love you_

_And the night's too long_

_And cold here_

_Without you_

I never ask Gil why he chose her, never ask why he wants to be with her, I suppose that I have never dared to ask him. I'm afraid that the answer will shatter my heart that already lies in a thousand pieces again. And I don't eve dare to ask myself why, maybe that's because I already knew the answer.

Because I didn't say a word.

Because I didn't tell him.

Because I lost my chance to tell Gil that I love him.

Warrick and Nick walk to the office and bring me back to the reality. Trying to put myself together, I smile my best "Catherine smile", starting to chat with them.

Then I see the sympathy for me on Warrick's face though he tries to hide it. Warrick is the only one that knows things that have been through between Gil and me and he is the only one who knows my biggest regret.

I remember that day, a day I wish it would never been have.

That morning when Warrick and I closed the case, being in the locker room and ready to go home. Noticing His unusual silence, I knew he wanted to ask me something but he didn't know how. Finally I couldn't take the tension anymore, I broke the ice and just asked him.

"Warrick, you have been so quiet since we are back the lab, are you okay?"

He slowly nodded, but kept his eyes on me.

"Well, the case caught me little. I'm gonna head home, kissing my girl before her school, I'll see you tonight, Warrick."

"Catherine."

Damnit, I knew I should have run faster and shut the door quicker.

"Yes, Warrick?"

"Do you know the thing between......Grissom and Sara?"

"What thing do you mean?"

"Are they...."

Trying to find a word that doesn't hurt me, how sweet it is.

"What? Are they together? Are they a couple?"

Seeing the surprise in his eyes, I know he hears the bitterness in my voice. But his eyes never leaves me.

"So it's true.......Grissom and Sara are together?"

"Jealous, Warrick?"

I try to light the mood, but Warrick just doesn't buy it.

"You still haven't answer my question, are they?"

I'm not going to cry, God knows how much I have cried for these days. I'm not going to break down, not in front of Warrick though I did it once. But this time is different, this time is about Gil, and I just can't.

"I think you should ask Grissom or Sara themselves. I'm not the person that you should talk about with."

I move to the door again but Warrick just can't let me get out of this so easy.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?"

I can't believe this. How can he ask me that?

"Why should I? It's their personal stuff, and it's neither your business or mine."

Their.

That word just brings back the hurt to me again, I don't think I can do this any longer.

"How could you say that?"

"Then what should I say, Brown?"

I know I lost my cold and being rude to Warrick. He is not the one that I want to yell and be angry with and I know who's the one I am angry with.

Myself.

Warrick seems in shock by my frustration, keeping staring at me, like I say the stupidest thing in the world. I can't take this. Why I have to stand here and have the conversation with him? I need to leave.

"You should tell Grissom what you feel."

That's it., as much as I love Warrick, he's always like a brother to me, but this time he should learn to shut up.

"I already told him, thank you very much."

I knew it would work and shut him up. Good, now I can run to my safe home to cry myself to sleep.

"That's it?"

Good lord, this man just never give up, does he?

"That's it. End of the conversation. I'm going home and take some rest, and I suggest you do the same. Goodnight Warrick, I'll see you......eleven hours later."

I move my feet as fast as I can, I need to get the hell out of here.

"What did Grissom say?"

"What?"

'What did Grissom say when you told him you love him?"

Breathe. Catherine, just breathe, you can do this, you're strong.

"You think I told Grissom I love him? When the hell are you thinking?!"

"Then what did you tell him?"

I know I can just walk away and don't need to say anything, but somehow a part of me want to answer that question, and want to release some heaviness in my chest, the heaviness that I have carried for so long.

"I told Grissom that I was happy for him, for both of him and Sara. And he said I had no idea how glad he was when I told him that, satisfied?"

"You are happy for him, Catherine?"

I don't know why Warrick's voice sounds so confused at my words, is it not possible that I'm happy for the man I love but be with another woman?

"If you want to hear it again, yes, I'm happy for Grissom."

"I can't believe this!"

Okay, now he's getting angry and I have no idea why.

"You don't believe me?"

"I just don't get it!"

"Which part don't you get it, Warrick?"

"That you are happy for him! And you're also happy for Sara! How could you be happy for Grissom when he's in love with another woman? You love him!"

There.

Those words just push me to the edge, I know I just lose the battle.

"So what? Yes! I love Gil but he loves Sara! And they will live happily ever after, end of the story!"

I can't believe that I just admitted to Warrick the truth that I love Gil, my mentor, my best friend. But Warrick doesn't say a word about what I told him, maybe it's because he already knew it, even before I knew it.

Thinking of it, I leave a bitter laugh from my lips.

"I think you asked too many questions and I told you too much. I'll call it a night now."

Then I walk to the door, and this time, no more questions to stop me.

"Catherine? Are you with us?"

Gil's words lead me back from the memories, seeing the worries and concern in his blue eyes, these ones that I feel into every time when I look at them, I smile.

"Yep, just some mind-wandering, sorry. So what cases we have tonight?"

Changing the subject casually, I give him a light smile, though I can see he doesn't buy my answer, he always knows it. He always knows it better.

"Okay, Catherine, you and Nick have a DB. Warrick, you and Sara with me, there's a 419 waiting for us."

Good. That's what I hope for. No Warrick with me so that I won't see the sympathy for me, no Sara with me so that I won't need to bite my cheeks every time when I see the happiness that it should be mine on her light-up face.

And no Gil with me so that I don't need to pretend that everything is still the same when I look at this man who shatters my heart piece by piece and I still love him more than the world.

Only Nick with me in the case, I can handle it. He is a sweet and nice boy, and he won't see the broke parts of me and I can hide it. I can do it, I need to do it.

I have to do it.

I receive the file from Gil, avoiding the concern in his eyes, and turn to the younger CSI, smiling.

"Nicky, I have to go to the locker room and get my coat, see you in the parking lot?"

Seeing Nick's nod, I quickly walk to the locker room and grip the coat, starting leaving before a voice stops me.

"You should tell him how you feel."

"I thought we already had been through this, Warrick."

"No, we haven't, and don't think I will let you skip it this time. You should tell Grissom you love him."

I want to punch Warrick down to shut the hell his mouth up. I don't need another person to remind me of the loss of the only man I can love.

But Warrick's right, I should have told Gil, I should have told him long time ago. But now it's too late, I lost my chance when I had it, and now I have to accept the truth and hate myself for it.

"It doesn't matter any more, Warrick. There's nothing I can do to change the truth of them together. He's with Sara now and he is happy. That's all the matter. They deserve their happiness.'

I can see myself tearing apart in Warrick's eyes. And I can feel the hot tears dropping down my face, but I don't have the strength to weep away, I just let them fall, just like my heart.

"Then what about you, Catherine? You deserve happiness, too."

"I once had the chance to have happiness, but I lost it. So I move on and let go."

"You don't have to be that strong, you know?"

"Of course I have to. I have to be strong every time when I see them together. I have to be strong every time I see him holding her hand and know he will never hold mine in that way. And I have to be strong every time when I see he smiling and remember that that smile doesn't belong to me but to another woman. It's hard, but I have to, otherwise I have to run away and leave Las Vegas."

I can see the regret on Warrick's face, I know he's blaming himself for bring the pains again to me, silly boy, you don't have to, that's no one's fault but mine.

"I don't know what to say."

'Then don't say anything, Warrick. I know you just care about me, but you have to let it go."

"I'm so sorry, Catherine."

"Don't be. It's not your fault."

Nodding lightly, Warrick turns and leaves.

Putting my head on the locker, I allow myself cry the sorrows out. I don't know what I have to feel now. To feel angry with myself for not telling Gil that I love him more than a friend because I was afraid it would change everything? Or to feel sorry and regret for the chance I lost and I will never have a chance to say?

I don't know.

I don't know it any more.

But there's one thing I do know. I know that I'm not that strong to face the truth that Gil and Sara are together in the rest of my life, I'm not that strong.

That's why I decided to run away.

The resignation has been in my locker for more than a week, and the thoughts to put it on Gil's desk are passing in my mind more and more recently. I think it's time, time to run away, to really let go, to find a place not with so many memories that remind me of the loss.

I will put the resignation on his desk after finishing the case that Nick and I work, I will do it this time.

That's the best for us.

All of us.

::Finis::


End file.
